if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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