Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
