Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
