You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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