I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
