Your face is a jimmy john
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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