Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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