whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
