i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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