last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Randomize
