Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
