It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
