life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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