god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
tonight lets celebrate not being married
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
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