3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
