And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
