i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize