Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
