TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
