You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
