im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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