Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Randomize
