haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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