Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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