Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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