Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
