Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
How does one acquire holy water?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
