listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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