were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
