There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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