She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
