I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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