so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
