I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
