Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
