Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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