Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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