i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
