Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
