did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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