Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Of course I have a pirate flag
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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