Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
