Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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