I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
