WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
