im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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