the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
