In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
