I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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