Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
