I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
