Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
