Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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