Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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