My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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