If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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