i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
