I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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