he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
